Divine Silence

It is said that God always answers our prayers - the answer is either Yes, No or Not Yet. But when the answer obviously isn't Yes and no other answer seems to come, how do you interpret the silence? What do you do when the silence lasts for days, weeks and even years?

I don't know the answer. Jesus told the Parable of the Persistent Widow (Luke 18:1-3) to teach the disciples that they should always pray and not give up. But what if the answer is "No" and I'm simply behaving like a 4 yr old who keeps asking for ice cream for breakfast even after Mom said "No." Do I keep praying as if it would change God's mind?

I'm very disappointed and confused. It was almost a full year ago that Satan fed me the lie that God answers everyone else's prayers but mine and therefore must love them more than me. I knew/know it to be a lie, but sometimes it feels so true. God does answer my prayers - I have a very partial list to show when He has - but there are a few outstanding for which I'd welcome some resolution. For now, I will quit asking. I'm just tired.

Everyday Christmas

In our marriage, we decided early on that the fairest way to do holidays with our families was to alternate years spent with each family at Christmas and Thanksgiving. Because of this, sometimes "Christmas" isn't held until late January with the other side of the family. This inevitably leads to some degree of disappointment about not being all together on the 25th of December.

I admit there is something special about The Day. The anticipation that builds to a crescendo right up until the moment Lil' Bit opens her first present is undeniable. The perfect storm that occurs with hubby's family is a sight to be seen - it's a veritable free-for-all where gifts are opened as quickly as they're passed out, with paper and bows everywhere and clean up involving many garden-size garbage bags. On the other side of the spectrum is Christmas Day with my family. Opening gifts takes hours as gifts are opened one at a time and oohed and aahed by all present. Both traditions are special and fun in their own way.

Beyond the fun, I must remember that Christmas exists to remember the birth of Christ, the moment the Creator of the universe came to live among us. Talk about "Shazaam!" Perhaps an even more amazing thing is that Christ is here an Earth even now. Colossians 1:27 says, "To them God has chosen to make known among the Gentiles the glorious riches of this mystery, which is Christ in you, the hope of glory" (emphasis mine). Jesus lives in us, those who have believed His words and accepted His gift of redemption. I cannot even begin to understand it, but it's true.

To me, that means that Christmas comes every day. What gifts can we give to our friends and family on Christmas Day, May 3rd? How about a little grace when they hurt our feelings. What about Christmas Day, November 14? Give them a kind word when they're feeling sad.

I'll miss my family on December 25th, but I know that Christmas comes in January, too.

Mine Ebenezer

When the events of the past week were unfolding, my brain went into shutdown mode. It locked onto a fearful image and stayed there. I could not recollect a single lesson God taught me this year. I knew they were in my head and heart somewhere, but I simply couldn't remember.

Rev. Gregory S. Neal defines it:

"an Ebenezer, literally, is a "stone of help," or a reminder of God’s Real, Holy Presence and Divine aid. Spiritually and theologically speaking, an Ebenezer can be nearly anything that reminds us of God’s presence and help: the Bible, the Sacramental Elements, a cross, a picture, a fellow believer, a hymn – those things which serve as reminders of God’s love, God’s Real Presence, and God’s assistance are "Ebenezers."

My dad pointed out to me that this blog is my Ebenezer. It's here that I've recorded my thoughts and feelings, as well as what I feel God's been teaching me this year. When I was unable to latch onto anything positive, I was able to come back here and remind myself of God's help and presence. So, here I raise mine Ebenezer...again and again.

Faith and Fear

Update: Thanks to all for your prayers. My loved one's MRI and blood work came back normal though there's still a trip to a neurologist scheduled. They're initially chalking all this up to stress. I never imagined how many ways your body can revolt against the stressors we endure. Puts more "oomph" to "Be anxious for nothing...Phil 4:6...it's good for your health!

When bad things happen, I can usually handle it tolerably well when I'm the primary "victim." A sudden flash of fear and anxiety typically can get snuffed out as I suck it up and muddle through it. Let something bad or uncertain happen to someone close to me, and it's a whole other scenario.

I recently received news that a very close family member is having symptoms that could indicate anything from a magnesium deficiency (which is quite common) to Lou Gehrig's disease. A trip to the ER and a referral to a neurologist have resulted. As I sit here, I can feel the fear welling up in me. A thousand different "what if's" are trying to be entertained in my mind.

The "old" me would be practically paralyzed by the fear. The "new" me which has been being developed over the past year says "Trust God in all things. He is in control no matter the circumstances." At present, the two me's are at war deciding who's going to win.

A godly man named Jonny said, "Fear and faith are the same. Each is the belief in something that has not yet happened - it just depends on what kingdom you're walking in." So now I must ask myself, "Am I going to walk in God's kingdom and believe He is who He says He is or am I going to walk in Satan's kingdom and believe God doesn't care what happens to me or my family?

If I decide to walk in fear mode, I'm a hypocrite and a liar and my witness is meaningless. I've been quite vocal about the lessons I feel I've been learning about the presence and sovereignty of God, especially during times of suffering. Here's another opportunity to act upon what I say I believe. This is so hard! Another crisis of faith is presenting itself and what I choose to do matters.

I'm now asking something of you (the few people who might be reading this) - will you hold me accountable? Ask me if I'm praying and believing God or if I'm wallowing in fear. Remind me of what lessons God's taught me this year.

If you don't mind, could you also pray for my family member? Fear is trying to get a grip on him and I believe this could be a time for God to break him free of this for good. Also, for a good report from the doctor. Thanks.

Snippets

I, too, am having blog block so I'm taking my inspiration from my good friend Christy and simply putting down some random thoughts to tie me over until I have something I really feel like writing about.

• I've been reading a book called Lies My Teacher Told Me by James W Loewen. It tells of common misconceptions and flat-out lies told in our American history books. I'm really having to examine what I thought to be true about people and events near and dear to Americans' hearts. I highly suggest this read.
• Four year olds have absolutely no concept of "falling back" when daylight savings time ends and we're supposed to get an extra hour of sleep.
• I have really good neighbors (and friends!). We had a very cool block party on Halloween complete with over a hundred trick or treaters, potluck dinner, a fire pit for keeping warm, and CANDY! It's an annual tradition that keeps growing in scope, and I think this year was the best one ever.
• If the messy-ness of my house dictates who gets to come inside, then only those in my inner sanctum will cross the threshold anytime soon. Ugh. I actually have to be home in order to clean. There's an idea.
• My deep thought for the month is this quote I found by CS Lewis - "You don't have a soul. You are a soul - you have a body." While I had this as "head knowledge" before, just having it presented to me in this way has really made me think about what I deem important and lasting.

OK, now there's text for the first week of November. Pressure's off.

Fear in the Night

Those who know me know that I am practically phobic when it comes to thunderstorms, particulary when they come in the middle of the night. I was rudely awakened last night by forceful gusts of wind against the house. I was instantly awake, heart pounding, and off to the living room to check the news. I prayed the satellite was still pulling in a signal during the rain and wind and it was. I could have sworn an F4 tornado was headed for our house and lo and behold - it wasn't even enough of a storm for the usually frenetic weatherpeople to be giving it coverage. There was Conan O'Brien goofing with some celebrity while I just knew the lives of me and my family were in mortal danger.

I've never been happy when storms come through, but now that we have a kid, my fear has grown exponentially. I think it has a lot to do with wanting to protect her and knowing there's really nothing I can do about it. So there I sit, terror barely restrained, telling God, "I really am scared but you're in control of this storm. Please protect us!" I pictured myself as a little kid running to my dad and hiding my face in his chest, just wanting to be held and told it would be OK. I wish I could say I had a warm-fuzzy feeling come over me and a voice saying, "It'll be OK" but I didn't. But you know what? It was OK. We had some rearrangement of our deck furniture and grill, but otherwise all was fine. I even went back to sleep.

Psalm 4:8 I will lie down and sleep in peace, for you alone, O LORD, make me dwell in safety.

How Long 'Til You Say That's Enough?

I just ran across an article which had a title that grabbed my attention and content that got my blood boiling. The opinion column talked about a recent endorsement by Miller Beer of an event that mocked the Last Supper of Jesus. I won't go into more detail here but you can read the article if you want.

I find myself feeling like Jonah sitting outside of Ninevah waiting for the wrath of God to come blazing down and burn them to cinders. "Get 'em, God!" I scream inwardly. How dare they (the event organizers, participants, sponsors, etc) be so brazen? Don't they know who they're dealing with?

Psalm 74:22
Rise up, O God, and defend your cause; remember how fools mock you all day long.

Chris Rice, in his song Naive, asks God how long until He says "that's quite enough and your time is up." The answer is that God loves His creation and wants each of us, even the ones that hate Him, to come to repentance. He's just giving us more time.

But never fear, in Galatians 6:7 it says "Do not be deceived: God cannot be mocked. A man reaps what he sows." I'd be watching my back if I were those folks. Better yet, drop to your knees and beg for God's forgiveness and a new heart for Him.

And yet, is my sin any worse than theirs? God doesn't have a rating system. Without Christ, my heart is just as black and twisted as theirs. I dare not sit in judgment, only gratitude that Christ died for a sinner like me and allowed me to receive his gift of forgiveness and redemption.

I'm digging in the dirt

I'm digging in the dirt
Stay with me I need support
I'm digging in the dirt
To find the places I got hurt
To open up the places I got hurt - Peter Gabriel, "Digging in the Dirt"

It's more like "To find new places I will hurt, To open up new places I'll get hurt." I've probably spent 12 hrs working in my yard over the past week and a half. Unfortunately, if you saw it, you probably couldn't tell. My friend and I have pulled out shrubs, restacked rock borders, dug up vicious TN briers (appropriately named Devil's Backbone by my neighbor), removed unwanted plants, etc. And thanks to this year's drought, the TN clay had been baked rock hard.

All this change is good. To say my yard lacked curb-appeal was an understatment. What's bad is that once again I'm reminded that while my brain still thinks I'm 20, but body feels like it's 60. I hurt. A Lot. Today I'm hobbling around the house 'cause my back is throbbing and my knees scream when I try to stand up from a sitting postion. Can't wait for the DOMS (delayed onset muscle soreness for all those who don't live with a PT) to set in tomorrow. Thank you, God, for Aleve.

(To the 3 people who may read this blog - I'm sorry the content of this blog screams of the mundane. My temporary physical suffering is demanding my attention.)

Deep Thoughts from a Preschooler

I am constantly amazed by the questions that come from my 4 yr old. One day she asked me, "Mommy, is there only one Jesus?" "Yes," I replied, wondering where this might be leading. "Well, how can God be with everyone in the world if He lives in my heart?" Talk about stump the chump. How can one effectively explain omnipresence to a preschooler? I had to confess I really couldn't fully explain how He did it, but it was true nonetheless.

Yesterday, she asked me why the whale had to swallow Jonah. I told her God used the whale to save Jonah from drowning. Pretty straight forward answer and that's all she really wanted to know, but I continued to ponder the scenario as I drove.

I imagine the stomach of a whale (big fish, whatever) to be a pretty unpleasant place - smelly, dark, scary, no internet or iPod, etc. And yet, this was the very place of safety for Jonah. He'd been disobedient and wouldn't be in this situation if he'd just obeyed God; however, God in His infinite mercy used this for good. Jonah was God's captive audience for 3 days and nights. What else was he going to do? Jonah ended up repenting and acquiescing to God's original command (he still had some heart attitude issues, but that's another story).

I guess the lesson I learned from Little Bit's question was that God can use the scary, dark, messy times of our life to keep us safe from something far worse. It's also during these times that we're often more likely to listen to Him as our focus is more finely tuned. Whether I'm in that place because I've been running from God or because He's led me there, God is still there and can use that time to guide my heart back to Him.

Deliverance

The other week at church, a wise gentleman approached me and said he felt God wanted him to tell me something. This started my tears flowing as I'd been feeling very "raw" emotionally and wondered if God cared about anything that had happened to me/us this year. He reminded me that in Psalm 139 it says Gods knows everything about me...when I sit, when I stand, what my thoughts are. I can't go anywhere where God is not. In the darkest, deepest pit, He's there with me.

This gentleman also reminded me that God doesn't just deliver us from something, but often delivers us to somewhere. And sometimes it just doesn't make sense. He delivered the Israelites out of Egypt, but took them to a place with bitter water, and a place with no water, etc. The Promised Land was the final destination, but there were places along the way that had to be passed through first.

I guess I feel like I'm in one of those in-between places. I'm not where I was, but I sure hope this isn't the final destination. I want to understand the "why" of it all, but I'm not promised that. I need to trust that God knows best and loves me so much that He only does what is best for me.

Nice While It Lasted

Got back from the beach yesterday. It was so nice to be away from here and all the "stuff" that goes along with our life as of late. No bills, no dogs, no phone. I know God is smart, but the whole ocean/sand/breeze combination thing is genius. We stayed at a pretty nice place and got to spend lots of time at the pool and beach. I even managed to survive 7 days without internet access. Egad! Came home to bills, dogs, phone...Thank you, God, for letting us go on vacation. We needed it!

I Chose Poorly...but I Choose to End Wisely

It's a gift, I swear. When given a choice of numerous checkout lanes, I will invariably pick the slowest lane possible. I went to Walmart this evening (a poor choice in and of itself on the best of days) and after roaming around the store trying to find a handful of items, I picked a line with only 2 customers ahead of me. Seemed to be a no brainer when compared to the other lines nearby. Between coupons, language barriers, cash trading hands, idle chit-chat with the cashier about high school football, blah blah blah...I was starting to seethe.

Seeing as how I've named my little piece of blogdom Praise in the Storm, I feel compelled to present something positive from my irritating situation. I could continue to ruminate on the inconvenience, OR I could give thanks in all things (as commanded in I Thess 5:18) and thank God for giving me a lesson in patience. It was only a few minutes of my time and in light of eternity, big whup. What if being delayed prevented me from being in an accident on the way home? Who knows? God is in control of the big and little things in my life. It's best I remind myself of that every day. My attitude is predominantly a matter of choice, so I wish to choose wisely and give thanks. In all things. Hmm...(I need more practice!)

Spooky Accurate

So I took this personality test on www.personaldna.com. If you want to see how your personality looks in blazing technicolor, give it a whirl. It only took 15 min or so. It was a fun diversion while waiting for dinner to cook. Not only can you rate yourself, but you can rate your friend or family member and see how close your results match theirs. Sure, I could be sweeping the kitchen floor, but this is way more entertaining.

Concerned Realist

Thank You!

I want to use this time and space to say THANK YOU to our friends who surround us with love and encouragement in the good and bad times. I'm very lucky in that I have a very loving family who really doesn't live that far away - I know not everyone has the benefit of that. What we have, as well, is an extended family of friends that never hestitate to be there for us. With all the sucky things that have happened to us this year, our "family" has rallied around us to pray for us, hug us, bring us dinner, etc. I hate to impose upon people and usually decline offers of help, but my good friend A reminded me that sometimes I just need to shut up and say "Yes, thank you." Ouch. But correct. Romans 12:15 says to "Rejoice with those who rejoice. Mourn with those who mourn." To those of you who have held our hands in the rejoicing and the mourning - muchas gracias.

God is Good...ALL the Time

2007 has been a year of trials. I'm not familiar with Lemony Snicket, but for us it has certainly been a series of unfortunate events. If my happiness and sanity were based on circumstances, financial security and plans working out that way I'd imagined, I'd have already been taken away to a rubber room by nice men in white jackets. The only reason I have for not crumbling is that I'm anchored in the immovable, unchanging love of Father God. He is good regardless of the circumstances. He is in control at all times. I do not have to understand why things are happening. I cannot ask "Why me?" I mean, "why NOT me?" I'm not better than anyone else, no less vulnerable to the misfortunes of the world. Jesus promises that we will face tribulation and Peter says we should not think it strange when trials come. Suffering is part of the normal Christian life. I'll never suffer to the point of death on a cross, so what do I have to complain about? I just hope I'm learning these life lessons this go-round since I really wouldn't relish having to repeat them!

To Know and Be Known

All of us, I believe, have a desire to know and be known. Why else would blogs, MySpace, etc. be so popular? Why do people love to fill out questionnaires about themselves? Well, I'm no different than anyone else, so here I go dipping my toes in the murky waters of blog-dom. Do I actually think anyone cares to read what I have to say? Probably not. If anything, it'll be cathartic to put things in writing. As usual, my motives are apparently purely selfish.